27 Nurses Reveal Craziest Answers To Sexual History Question
By Nurse.org Staff Writer
We all just love asking that question, don't we? While some of the responses can be disturbing or unbelievable, most of them are just plain hilarious. Here are some of the best.
1. Save Your Breath
Older lady, maybe in her early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin’ in this for a long time.”
2. She Really Loved Herself
A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said “do dildos count?”
3. Can You Keep A Secret?
I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).
Best answer I heard was “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.”
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4. As a Matter of Fact…
“Literally got road head on the way here.”
5. Pimpin’ Her Own Ride
One of my classmates was asking a 75 year old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam. Her response: “I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.”
6. Never Too Old
I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:
Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.
Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)
Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!
Internal me: (Damn…)
Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?
Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?
Wife (without missing a beat): “Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life.” Then she leans closer to me and whispers, “I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on.”
Then she winks. I almost died of laughter. Best response ever.
7. First Things First
The best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my freshman college English class. Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active.
His perfect response was “Bro, I’m not even socially active.”
8. Love Her To Death
I had this older retired salt dog as a patient a while ago. His wife had passed away but I didn’t know that. When I asked if he was sexually active he said “Well, no for two reasons. I’m married, and she’s dead. Not that that would change a thing though.“
I felt terrible and then he just started laughing and told me not to feel bad. Seriously caught me off guard though. Crusty old bastard!
9. Might be something more
I’ve told similar versions of this story before. I was around 8 months pregnant and working as an ER nurse. I had a very round, beach ball-esque obviously pregnant belly going on.
A woman came in with the chief complaint of lower abdominal pain that came in waves, and also reported experiencing a clear liquid discharge that she said felt like she peed her pants, but point-blank denied being pregnant (she had a big sweatshirt and jacket on at first).
She came back to me and changed into her gown with me in the room, and clearly she was visibly pregnant, and my immediate suspicion was that she was in labor. I point-blank asked if she was pregnant and she looked at me bewildered and stated she couldn’t be because she hadn’t had sex “in over six months.”
I asked her when the last time she was sexually active, and she reported “sometime in September,” which was sometime around my own date of conception. Being that she’s not grasping it yet, I point to her belly and then my own and say “how long has your belly looked like my belly?”
My hope is it would kind of be a “look in the mirror” wake up call, but it didn’t work. She said she had just been feeling “bloated” over the last few months. She didn’t believe she was pregnant until the ER resident did a bedside ultrasound to find the baby’s heart rate. She was in labor, and went upstairs to L&D.
Oh, and she had her ten year old daughter with her.
10. Sweet Selina
Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc.
The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl.
So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows “Selina?” (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch.
5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.
11. No Further Explanation Necessary
My friend answered his doctor once by just saying “I go to an engineering school.”
12. Work With Me, Dad
When I was in year seven, probably 11 or 12 years old, I had broken my foot in a way that needed a minor surgery, so my cute twenty-something nurse was asking me the pre questions with my dad. When she got to the personal part, she asked if I wanted my dad to leave the room, I said no because whatever.
When she asked if I was sexually active, I turned to my dad and said in a loud whisper “I want her to think I’m cool.”
13. Close Enough?
“No but I’ve got a really awkward boner right now. Wanna see?”
14. One In A Million
I told my doctor back in high school that I wasn’t sexually active and she said “and you go to _ High School? I should play the lottery!”
15. Whatcha Doin’ Later?
“I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.”
16. 100% Effective
Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:
Me:“Are you sexually active?”
Me: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”
Her: “Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant”
Me: “Not all birth control is 100% effective.”
Her: “Mine is.”
Me: “What kind of birth control is it?”
17. But You Have Such A Great…Oh, Guess Not.
My buddy had to fill in a fitness form for something-or-other (advanced diving course, i think) and under “forms of contraception used” he wrote “my personality.”
18. Not Expecting That
This was my first time interacting with a medical professional in Texas, btw, so it was pretty uncomfortable for me as I realized she wasn’t expecting a queer person and things might get weird. (I’m afraid of how conservative Christians will react to me.)
Nurse: Are you on birth control?
Nurse (hopefully): Condoms?
Nurse (hesitantly): Pull out?
Me: I…have sex with women.
She went on to reassure me that I wasn’t likely to get HIV and had a low risk of contracting other STIs, too.
Why? “Because lesbians are God’s chosen people. The penis is the problem!” 😂
19. Devil’s In The Details
I had one girl who told me that she was “technically” a virgin.
When I raised an eyebrow and asked what her technicality was, she said she’d only ever had anal sex with her past boyfriends. Then I was asked “not to tell” her mom and dad.
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20. Keep Hope Alive
I had a nurse ask me if I was sexually active. I told her I was not. She said she would put me down as “not currently”.
It was nice of her to be so optimistic.
21. Tit for Tat
“I’ll only tell you my sexual history if we discuss our sexual future.”
22. My Future’s So Bright…
BraveLilToaster42 1125 points 6 months ago
I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to “Currently sexually active?”
I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet so I said “Outlook favorable.”
23. Two Degrees Of Separation
SouthernYankeeWitch 142 points 6 months ago
I recently told my doctor “I’ve been sleeping with the same man for a long time, but he’s been sleeping with everyone else. So I guess I’m a slut by proxy.”
She gave me lots of tests.
24. Don’t Get Smart, Sonny
I had to ask an 80 yr old patient about her form of birth control.
Her answer: “My age.”
Ended up helping a high school wrestling team… while doing surveys during medical audits I had to ask a kid “have you had more than 1 sexual partner?”
He responded: “… yeah. Twice… Wait, you meant at the same time, right?”
I had to resist the urge to high-five.
26. Mama Blues
While trying to diagnose abdominal pain-
Me: “Any risky sexual behavior?”
Her: “Ma’am I’m 25 and I have 2 kids, I consider any sex quite risky.”
27. So That’s What That’s For
I worked in an infertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility: both were young and in textbook perfect health.
We brought them in to give them the test results (all infertility investigations were normal) and to give them the treatment plan. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said “just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees.”
I was all WTF and she said “it’s just a gut feeling I have”. So I did.
I prefaced my talk by saying “I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done”. Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it.
Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word.
Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.
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